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I don't consider myself the suicidal type most times. I never have..though I have always had what one might call a rather intense death wish. This is not of my own free will, it's an idiopathic thought forced upon me from inside my own conflicted mind and subconscious. I have an incurable illness of the mind..all attempts to treat it have failed. The doctors tell me that it will only worsen with age..in theory at least. I never believed that. Here's the thing though, they were right. Every second of every colorless day of my life that passes..I fall deeper into the dark. I can't bear to look at myself..I don't recognize the person shown back to me in the mirror anymore. I am a stranger in my own mind. This is not life.



My computer crashed this evening and I lost absolutely everything. Years of assembled data simply flushed away like nothing. You're probably thinking that it would be quite strange that a computer crash, even with complete loss of data, would be a reason to consider suicide. It sounds strange to you..but it was all I had left. Every unpublished masterpiece I ever wrote..image I ever designed or received..bookmark I ever made..these things are all gone now. They represented a lengthy period of research. I said I was ill..and unfortunately this illness affects my ability to recall events, or even simple study material. I put them on the computer so I wouldn't have to remember..because I knew I never could. These were like flags in my mind..the reminders I need because my 'self' cannot rationally contain the data. I feel bottomed out..so hopeless. My brain doesn't work for shit, so I put it all into my PC. It was a bad move..but it was my only move, so there is no turning back from here. Right back to square one. This is not the reason I consider dying tonight..though it does serve to accentuate it.



In earlier years, when I was being treated..they told me that it was not unlikely that I would need to be hospitalized by the age of 25. Not a great prognosis to say the least..and I try to fight the progression..but I can't. Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to know that day by day you are losing the very thing that makes you the person you are? Those files that I lost weren't just things I can replace..they were my memories and the only thing I had to keep me in touch with that person that disappears more every day. It sounds really pathetic to say that..but it's the truth. Part of me doesn't want to live to see a day where I no longer recognize my own soul..and the other part just begs and clings on like a child to his Mother. You want to know the meaning of "living death"..look at me! That is what it is..because I know that I may lose everything...not possessions..ME! I try to imagine what I have done to deserve this..so I ask why. I get the answer, "why not". It's true I guess..why not me as opposed to someone else. That makes the cross no lighter, unfortunately.



My god, where are you? That's where it gets tricky in my head. Is this a mental condition, or is the reason they can't help me because the disease is not in my brain..but a gnawing cancer that rips apart my spirit. I don't have the answers..just a vague idea of what lie ahead. This is my torment, my sickness..you would be scared too, trust me. I'm begging to live..to really be alive again..that prayer, is as of yet unanswered. The upside here? If I can't find the good solution to this, at least I know there's an easy one. Until then though, I'll keep fighting the future..and stand my ground. It seems obvious that I'm going to lose..but what if I win?



- D